guilt (noun)
1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime,violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law;culpability: He admitted his guilt.
1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime,violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law;culpability: He admitted his guilt.
2.
a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense,crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
3.
Though the definition states for having committed an offense, remorse etc...through no fault of my own, I have RA. This should not be a crime, wrong, or offense. However, it feels this way. Lately I have noticed I feel guilty all the time – guilty that I’m not able to do all the things I used to, guilty that I can’t work more, guilty that I cannot run, dance, hike, and play with my kids as I used too, guilty that having RAD has made my family sad, stressed and worried. It makes no sense, because I didn’t decide to get sick, I am doing what I can to feel better, I am trying my hardest but I even feel guilty for having a chronic illness in the first place and causing others more stress. Guilt. I think the definition needs redefined.
My husband also feels a lot of guilt though he does not show it all the time. He feels guilty that he can't take better care of me. He feels guilty when I come home from work in pain because he thinks that if he made more money I wouldn’t have to work. He lashes out on me due to the extra pressure and stress my chronic illness puts on the family. End result is I lash out on him, our marriage is strained due to many things but my disease is the major one.
My parents feel guilty, even though this is not a disease that they did something to give me. They get depressed when they cannot fix it. They struggle to speak to me about what impact it is having on my life. They feel guilty they cannot help. I feel guilty because I am not striving. I am not living up to what they feel I should be. I feel like I have failed my family. It’s a horrible feeling, knowing that MY chronic illness is making so many people feel like crap. Because it is uncomfortable to talk about, they avoid it. So then I feel more guilt taking the blame onto myself and how it is affecting me. The stress just keeps coming. Guilt.
The stress makes me feel worse and makes me dwell on things. I feel guilty because I am always so exhausted and cannot get anyone to understand that even if I get 8 hours of sleep, I am still exhausted. I feel guilty that even the smallest household chores leave me feeling so exhausted my symptoms get worse.
I know the guilt is not healthy, yet I cannot stop it. I have no control over how others are feeling, so I try to make it all seem OK. I have no control over my illness and am doing what I can to feel better. Shoot, I even am eating gluten free.
Guilt makes me suffer more, something that isn’t my fault, and frequently leads to self-hatred and feeling like a failure. I am not sure how to overcome the guilt. I am trying. If you have advice I will take it! Day by Day I learn more. In learning I hope I can overcome it all.
