Getting the ugly out...

Having an autoimmune disease has changed me. It has made me slow down among many other things. I have lost control over what I can do and what I want to do. I have lost strength and I am not talking about physical though yes I have lost that too. I am talking about mental, emotional and spirtual strength. I am talking about what's inside. Having a chronic illness has given me the opportunity for reflection and self realization. Which I have realized I have ignored and need an overhaul. Feeding your soul is very important. It will help me feel at peace with myself. It will help me embrace life and accomplishments. Some things that I feel will help:

• writing about my experience and letting others know what I am going through is painful but helpful, it has given me an outlet to express my feelings I normally would not. It helps me release the ugliness inside
• Reading inspiring blogs and books. Hearing other's stories, feelings, and guidance I feel will help me feel not so alone
• Taking "me" time, being a mom of 2 boys leaves me very little "me" time. I need this. I will use this time to watch chickflicks, happy movies, and inspiring ones.
• Seeking help. I feel that I do need counseling to deal with the life altering changes I have been given. I need the extra support and someone to help guide me to inner peace
• I am going  to go back to church, prayer and know this will help. Even before I was sick it felt good to go. I felt better. 
• I am going to learn meditation and hopefully yoga. I need to learn how to react to stress better, to keep the poison out of me. I need to channel. I need to gain control and feel that this will bring me closer. 
• LAUGH

These are just ideas that I am implementing and hope they bring me closer to being at peace with myself and my disease. If you have any additional that you have found helpful please comment! All ideas are appreciated! Day by Day!! 

My aching feet!!!

This month, my ankles and feet have been really bothering me. My husband asked me what it feels like and why inflammation hurts so bad. Here is what I sent him. It is the only thing that comes close to how they feel right now.

Think he understands now? One would think so but then he asked me if I would go downstairs and do his work laundry. UGH.

So now that everyone knows how I have been feeling I need advice from you fellow Rheumatoid Arthritis Disease mates out there in what types of shoes you find most comfortable! Please do not tell me to go to one of those really expensive places either!! :) Budget friendly! I am on my feet 9+ hours a day at work and on concrete floor. Needless to say it does not help my pain! I have to wear a size bigger than I used to as my feet swell and I cannot seem to find something that will help somewhat!! IDEAS?

Angry and I know it...

Angry and I know it.

They say that overcoming denial is the first step...

I AM ANGRY AND I KNOW IT. 

Whew. Glad that is done. Chronic Pain has made me into an angry person. An ugly person. A person, that I do not want to be. I have been trying to overcome the anger and sadness it brings for the last two years.

I can fake it. Most of the time. I do it for my family, for my kids, for others around me. I do not want it to affect them as it does me. I tried taking it on head first, I have tried a dozen different types of meds, infusions, vitamins and even a gluten free diet. None seem to be helping. I have tried staying positive, staying in control and it all keeps slipping.
     I don't recognize the person in the mirror. RA has changed my entire physical body. I can no longer run, jump, dance. The meds make me blow up. The prednisone has changed even the shape of my face. Worse than not recognizing the face that looks back at me is not recognizing who I am inside anymore either. I used to know who I was, where I was, where I wanted to go and how to get there.

I cannot figure out why that has changed so greatly. I feel like I do not know where to even begin anymore. Even trying to thing about what path I want to take has changed as I have to think if I can do it with the pain, the swelling and if I can do it for the next 20 years or more. I do not know how to bring it anymore.
     I used to be strong. I do not feel that way anymore. I hate not being myself. I hate that I cannot spend the whole day jam packed with fun activities for my kids and I used to do. I hate that I am not the cool mom anymore! :) When my 8 year old asks me to do something and I am in too much pain, too exhausted, the look of disappointment on his face makes me cry. The feeling I know he feels keeps me up at night just thinking of ways to overcome it. My 2 year old will tell me over and over sit mom sit. On the floor of course. I try to everyday for at least a little while. I remember when I could wrestle the best of them. I hate the battle inside. I hate the pain and being tired all the time. I hate being bitchy. I AM ANGRY AND I KNOW IT. You would be too if you were in pain 24 hours a day.

I lack support because I am not open enough with how I feel. I just keep pushing on. I keep things to myself and struggle to tell even my best friend what is going on. I do not know why. Because I do not look ill co-workers do not understand my need for a break or why I only work 8 hours a day. They lash out and make it not fun to be there. I fake it. Then remind myself they do not matter. I matter. My boys and family matter. I know I seem to vent a ton on this blog but it is the only place I can.

I need to find my path. I need to be happy.