It is 3 nights before Christmas. I have 2 young boys who will be anxiously creeping down the stairs to see what Santa has brought them in a few days and unless I get my act together and get some energy going they will be most disappointed. The Grinch got me this year. The Grinch this year is my RA.
I first noticed a change when the tree was going up and I could not finish. This is not normal for me. Normally , I am the one to do all the decorating. The tree, the house, and this year I stopped after one tote of ornaments was done. Even most of what got on the tree my 8yo son did. I just helped unwrap. Using the excuse of my 18mo youngest son I said we should not put the breakable ones up. I was just to tired and sore.
The next night my older son was asking about the singing animals, pictures, candles and other funny Christmas cheer I spread throughout my house without fail every year. The Grinch got them this year. I could not do it. It is three days before Christmas and I still have to find which tote the stockings are in as they are still in the garage somewhere.
For days the kids were begging to put lights up, put out the deer, sleigh and inflatables. I could not let them down. With the help from my mom, we managed to get two strands wrapped around the porch rail. Not the glorious display we normally have but enough to make my son smile.
Today, we tried to make cookies. Normally I make tons and tons of cookies of all kinds to give out, munch on, and make everyone happy. I could only get one batch of sugar cookies done. As my son was decorating, instead of sitting by him and decorating with him I had to lay on the couch. Every year we make homemade ornaments to give to all my family. Needless to say this year I did not even buy any supplies. My hands cannot take it.
People invite me out. Family is getting together and I am sitting here thinking how hard this is going to be. I never thought that the Grinch would get me. I never imagined what RA would do to change my life. I never knew that every night I lay in pain I would lose more of me. There is nothing worse than knowing just how often I disappoint my kids when I cannot do the things I could. I know that I am supposed to think positively and I do try. Its just that it is too much right now. The Grinch got a hold of me and I cannot shake him off. I hope someday my Christmas traditions come back. I hope someday I can play ring around the roses with my son and fall to the ground in laughter. For now, I will get through it. I will do what needs to get done, just not a lot more.
