Honored!

This last week I found out that I have been honored to become one of Heathlines Top 22 Rheumatoid Arthritis blogs in 2012.


Wow! I never thought I would be in the rankings of the other websites listed in them as I am no where near as professional (I say what I feel, I just write) They have brought me inspiration and I hope I can do the same.

As I continue to learn, I hope that others out there can use what I put out there! Also, if you have tips just comment! As a newbie I struggle still and any advice is welcomed.! There are times when I feel I need to pull back and not just let it out on here. If I did that though there would not be a point of the blog! I keep it inside everywhere else!


Thank you Healthline for honoring my blog along with the others! Everyone should check them out! I found some new blogs on there I will be bookmarking and enjoying also!!

The Hummingbird

The Hummingbird is another symbol of regeneration or resurrection. Hummingbird is the creature that opens the heart. When the hurt that caused us to close our hearts gets a chance to heal, our hearts are free to open again. If we could adapt and do this we would laugh and enjoy creation, we appreciate the magic of the present moment, and the magic of being alive. We would Heal.

I have been busy with the boys this summer and have not posted in a while. I wish I would heal. I have been struggling with a lot in the last few years and hope to overcome some things this summer. Being home has put serious strain on our budget but has me feeling better and able to do more. I am worried about making sure I do enough with my boys, giving them an awesome summer even though il cannot do as much as I used too. I recently have developed serious flares in my knees making it very hard to walk. I am tired of popping pain pills that do little. I was hoping that during the summer I would feel better.

Some days I feel pretty good. So, I take the kids to the zoo. Then the next 3 days I am in so much pain I can barely make myself get up but I do. I am pretty good at faking it. I have the worst insomnia too. I hate lying in bed thinking about the pain. It bites. LOL I guess I am feeling pretty negative. I have a lot to say and catch up on but cannot seem to put it in words.  I spent the weekend house sitting at my moms. She has hummingbirds everywhere. Occasionaly they will hit the windows. They stun themselves for a few minutes and then all the sudden stand up and fly away with their little wings beating like crazy. They are amazing. They shake it off and keep going.

I thought I was ready to write. I am not. Hopefully, soon I can put into words what is going on with me. Until then day by day.

Getting the ugly out...

Having an autoimmune disease has changed me. It has made me slow down among many other things. I have lost control over what I can do and what I want to do. I have lost strength and I am not talking about physical though yes I have lost that too. I am talking about mental, emotional and spirtual strength. I am talking about what's inside. Having a chronic illness has given me the opportunity for reflection and self realization. Which I have realized I have ignored and need an overhaul. Feeding your soul is very important. It will help me feel at peace with myself. It will help me embrace life and accomplishments. Some things that I feel will help:

• writing about my experience and letting others know what I am going through is painful but helpful, it has given me an outlet to express my feelings I normally would not. It helps me release the ugliness inside
• Reading inspiring blogs and books. Hearing other's stories, feelings, and guidance I feel will help me feel not so alone
• Taking "me" time, being a mom of 2 boys leaves me very little "me" time. I need this. I will use this time to watch chickflicks, happy movies, and inspiring ones.
• Seeking help. I feel that I do need counseling to deal with the life altering changes I have been given. I need the extra support and someone to help guide me to inner peace
• I am going  to go back to church, prayer and know this will help. Even before I was sick it felt good to go. I felt better. 
• I am going to learn meditation and hopefully yoga. I need to learn how to react to stress better, to keep the poison out of me. I need to channel. I need to gain control and feel that this will bring me closer. 
• LAUGH

These are just ideas that I am implementing and hope they bring me closer to being at peace with myself and my disease. If you have any additional that you have found helpful please comment! All ideas are appreciated! Day by Day!! 

Neediness

When you become sick, you lose control of so many things in your life that used to be simple. This is frustrating and overwhelming. I was never one that needed help, support and guidance from others. I was the one people went to for these things. I am having a very hard time adjusting to being the needy one. It is the worst feeling to ask for help. It is the worst feeling to want something and not get it because it means moving. I struggle asking for help. I just keep doing things I cannot do. This gives the impression that I am fine and feeling good, even when I am not.  Then I pay for days. My body cannot do what I once did before. It seems that each day it can do less and less. This makes me more needy and Dang it, I do not want to be that person.

Recently, things happened where I was forced to ask for more help. This leaves me feeling guilty. I hate that too! :( Some people really jumped in and were a great help. Of course I appreciate every bit of help. I just don't want to feel useless. I don't want to think that I cannot do the everyday things anymore. I want to be able to do them and feel good. Or even OK. People shy away from neediness. It scares people. I am figuring out how to balance it. How to be OK with it and how to ask for help when I need it. Having an invisible illness makes it more difficult. Some people say "did you take your meds" others say "take an aspirin" or "moving will ease it" and I just have to sigh, remind myself they have no idea what I feel like and move on. It is so hard to get people to understand. Any advice?

Then I have to turn around the conversation and talk about the neediness of others. While I love to be needed I feel that some have unrealistic expectations on what I can do and what I do do.  (LOL I said do do) This leads to resentfulness which is not pretty! it adds to the ugliness I am trying to rid! I also need advice on how to handle this!

I appreciate your time and look forward to hearing your advice!

The pain has relocated....

This week I have a new "flare-zone". It is so odd how the pain relocates itself. Never giving any relief. My left knee has been giving me more and more pain everyday. Stairs are very difficult and I avoid them if I can. This is difficult in my house as there is no bathroom on the main level!!! I am finding that each different joint flare up seems to cause more and more pain. The good thing I have going right now is being off of work has rested my shoulders and they only give me difficulty if I over use them or extend too far. So that is good. Right? The non-RA bad news is being off of work puts more stress on me as we are struggling financially and medical bills along with others are adding up fast! More stress equals more pain....UGH.

It moved to my knees. Until now, they have only ached, it has been my wrists, fingers, shoulder, toes and ankles causing me pain. Now add in the knees. I do not sleep well as it is. I lie there thinking about which joint hurts more. Which one I need to avoid laying on. Which one has been the stiffest. On top of the pain, all the meds cause insomnia. There is nothing worse than being in pain and utterly exhausted and unable to sleep. My best sleep time is my one hour nap during the day. It is the only time I wake up and think "that was good sleep".  SUCKS!!!! I should be in bed now. I would except I find if I stay up as long as I possibly can I might get a few hours of sleep. The lack of sleep, the pain, the frustration makes me bitchy. I don't like to be bitchy. I like to sleep. I have added 9 new medications in the last 3 months and do not want to add a sleep aid also.

I need to feel better. I want to try meditation and yoga but both need energy and motivation. It is hard to motivate myself to do much of anything other than hang out with my boys and some days I have to force myself to do that! With the new pains in my knee, I get more scared. I am freaking out inside! I like walking. I do not want this to be the start of the end of that.  This joint is one I need to be mobile. For 2 days I have not even wanted to put any weight on it. I have, as I am not in a point in my life where I can stay in bed. I just tried to limit the amount of walking, standing, and other activities being on my feet. I cannot tell you how many times in the last 2 days I told my kids "please understand, my knee really hurts and I need to sit". My 2 year old will then check my knee out, see no band aid, kiss it and say ok all better wanna play now? Makes me smile and makes my heartbreak at the same time.
The DH seems not to understand either. I probably told him more than I told the kids and he just shrugs it off and says "its always something", or "really" come on. I am tired of trying to beg him for help. I feel that I should not have to. It makes me sad.

Like I said, I am taking some time off, hoping the new meds will be of some help and I can find some relief. I notice that it is having some positive effects. I have a little more energy. I get a small nap in. I can last longer. It has helped my feet some. They do not ache all day. Still swollen but currently not the major source of my pain. Well I need to try to go to sleep now. Just wanted to jot some things down. Until next time, I appreciate you all listening to me!!

Little Positives

Recently, I have been feeling really down about life. Well not just recently but for the last year. Being in pain 24 hours a day 7 days a week can really put a girl down! I have always been a positive girl and struggle now keeping positive. Recently, another blogger told me she focuses on the positive. Everyone says that. I want my blog to be honest. I want to get out there how I feel and do not feel comfortable talking about it even to loved ones. So I am going to take her advice and mix it with my own. Compromise right?

So...when I write down my feelings, and vent I will include little positives also to make not only me feel better but for you to know that there is still light in me! Happiness comes in small packages throughout the day no matter how I feel.

For my son's 2nd Birthday we went to the zoo. OMG. Not sure it was the smartest idea. However, he had such a great time as did my family and my other son. The looks on their faces, sounds that came out of their mouths when they saw certain animals was adorable. They bring so much happiness into my life and the life of others! I love that I decided no matter how I felt to go and grin and bear it. It was worth it. They are amazing.

Three days later, I am still paying for it. Crap. Monday I was a total pos. Basically my 2 year old climbed all over me all day long as I could not move. The zoo was a ton of walking. I overdid it! Next time I will remember to only see favorites and not the whole dang zoo! It is so frustrating wanting to do so much, wanting to give so much to my boys and family and being unable to do so. I always wondered why people that were depressed struggled with becoming "happy"? Now I know. I have to force myself to use the phone, to go out, to get dressed. I cannot keep a straight head and feel scatter brained! Seems like I am always forgetting to do something. If it were not for my boys I would not get out of bed. Pain makes me sad. It has changed me forever. I am lucky to have such wonderful kids that fill me with love and light. They help me survive this disease. They are my everything.

Guilt

guilt (noun)
1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime,violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law;culpability: He admitted his guilt.

2.

a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense,crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

3. 

Conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.


 Though the definition states for having committed an offense, remorse etc...through no fault of my own, I have RA. This should not be a crime, wrong, or offense. However, it feels this way.  Lately I have noticed I feel guilty all the time – guilty that I’m not able to do all the things I used to, guilty that I can’t work more, guilty that I cannot run, dance, hike, and play with my kids as I used too, guilty that having RAD has made my family sad, stressed and worried.  It makes no sense, because I didn’t decide to get sick, I am doing what I can to feel better, I am trying my hardest but I even feel guilty for having a chronic illness in the first place and causing others more stress. Guilt. I think the definition needs redefined. 

My husband also feels a lot of guilt though he does not show it all the time.  He feels guilty that he can't take better care of me. He feels guilty when I come home from work in pain because he thinks that if he made more money I wouldn’t have to work. He lashes out on me due to the extra pressure and stress my chronic illness puts on the family. End result is I lash out on him, our marriage is strained due to many things but my disease is the major one. 

My parents feel guilty, even though this is not a disease that they did something to give me. They get depressed when they cannot fix it. They struggle to speak to me about what impact it is having on my life. They feel guilty they cannot help. I feel guilty because I am not striving. I am not living up to what they feel I should be. I feel like I have failed my family. It’s a horrible feeling, knowing that MY chronic illness is making so many people feel like crap. Because it is uncomfortable to talk about, they avoid it. So then I feel more guilt taking the blame onto myself and how it is affecting me. The stress just keeps coming.  Guilt. 

The stress makes me feel worse and makes me dwell on things. I feel guilty because I am always so exhausted and cannot get anyone to understand that even if I get 8 hours of sleep, I am still exhausted. I feel guilty that even the smallest household chores leave me feeling so exhausted my symptoms get worse. 

I know the guilt is not healthy, yet I cannot stop it. I have no control over how others are feeling, so I try to make it all seem OK. I have no control over my illness and am doing what I can to feel better. Shoot, I even am eating gluten free. 

 Guilt makes me suffer more,  something that isn’t my fault, and frequently leads to self-hatred and feeling like a failure. I am not sure how to overcome the guilt. I am trying. If you have advice I will take it!  Day by Day I learn more. In learning I hope I can overcome it all.