Wednesday, January 11, 2012

It is Winning, I am not

I learned one year ago that I have an autoimmune disease called Rheumatoid Arthritis. My immune system is attacking my own body instead of the bacterias it should. It is in a constant state of war. 

Since my body has turned on itself, I have been in constant pain and severe exhaustion. I told myself when I was diagnosed that I could be strong, and not let it effect my life. It is. No matter what I try, I feel like I am fighting the impossible.  

      I struggle to juggle my life. In fact, I have not been able too for a year. I struggle with work, my kids, my husband, housework, errands, my emotions, and my health. I work 40-47 hours a week. Currently, that wipes me out and I am barely able to  do any more. I do what I have to for my kids. Yet, even they miss me. They miss that I cannot rough house, run around, dance, sled, ski, even get on the floor and play. I am physically so exhausted I have to give myself a pep talk to move at night. I lie as still as I can because everything hurts any movement is a trial.  My husband is missing the "old" me, the one that would take care of everything, making sure it was all done and was like the energizer bunny. He misses that"his" time is gone. I hate that RA is making me exhausted, cranky, and an overall bitch. I hate that everyday I see disappointment on my families face when I am not myself, when I am in pain and exhausted and short-tempered even when trying to stay upbeat. I feel that I keep dropping the ball. 

      I read other blogs of other people with RA or other chronic illnesses and am impressed at how together they seem. At how none of them let this miserable disease interfere with their life. I have seen kids with JRA doing great. It is great to see them play and dance.  I am not sure how they do it. I try to stay positive but after 365 days of pure exhaustion and pain it is difficult. I read their articles and think, Yes I can do this. Things will get better. I am still waiting. 

      I cannot juggle. I forget things all the time now.  My life has changed. It has changed. I can no longer fight it. I am tired of pretending I can. I used to be a social girl. I loved to hang out with friends, and family. Now, I shy away from it. I know that after an hour I will feel like crap. I know that my body needs the rest in any free time I can get. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I hate that I am letting it control me. 
    I now know that currently I am letting it win, and I do not want to. I need to figure out how to gain control. How to feel like my old self, how to juggle it all better. I need to feel the sunshine again. 

I hate that I am writing this down but I needed put it somewhere other than my little locked up box. Whiny blogs are not what I had planned for this and it seems like I keep doing it. I hate being weak.