Friday, May 10, 2013

Its OK to be not OK. Right?

Hello again! It has been a while since my last post. I have been busy with life, my boys and a lot of new illnesses!

Imagine to wake up one day with very little vision. So Scary! Standing up was an effort due to the stiff joints first thing in the morning always but add dizziness, and no vision to it and I was scared senseless. The thoughts going through my head as my day went on were insanely real. I was so petrfied and wondering if it would clear. I wanted to stare and burn the images of my boys faces in my head, each look, each emotion, an each smile. To never see them again would be a nightmare. It only got worse as the day went on.

Once it hit the afternoon I knew it was time to go to the hospital. After a few hours in the ER they transferred me to ICU where I stayed for 7 days while they tried to figure out what was wrong and to figure out why my blood sugar was so high.  The two years of prednisone has taken a toll on my body. It now is helping raise my blood sugars into the 600s. So, to make a long story short, I have developed diabetes and my meds were dangerously raising my sugars to the point of shutting down organs. They figured most things out and we are still working on some. My vision is better. Not perfect but with glasses I can see.

Two months later, sugars are good, liver still bad, have new glasses, and some other issues are in the process of progress. Most aggrevating is the pain is back and is worse than I was first diagnosed. My RAD is keeping me up, stressing me out and driving me crazy. Prednisone was the only thing that seemed to help some of the pain. To be in this much pain every day wears on my soul. Despair overtakes me. I am trying not to lose myself. I am trying not to abandon me.

I was at the infusion clinic last week and sitting next to an older woman around 75 or so. She looked at me and said, "I am glad I got RA when I was 70, I couldn't live with the pain my whole life". What do I say to that? I sort of just smiled and said "yes it's hard". She then responds "you are so young, I am sorry for you". Again, what do I say? I can appreciate that she understands the pain and can identify what I go through but want her to shush as it makes me think of the future. It makes me thing over the never ending cycles I now call my life.

I pray for peace. I pray for control. Yet,  I am angry. I know you have heard this from me before but I always seem to be. I am angry I have to go through this as a young adult. I am angry that my friends can live normal, have fun, climb mountains, ski, horseback ride, stay out dancing and overall, live. I am mourning the old me. My old body, The activities I could do, and most of dreams.

I am not supposed to be angry. I am supposed to have faith and believe that it will all be ok. I feel weak. I know I am angry and try not to act on it, I do not do a very good job I guess as my 9 yo will say, "I can tell when you hurt bad because you are grumpy". I try not be but it is hard. I can be fine, and then another limitation or activity pops up that I cannot do and it starts over again. It is a vicious cycle.

I am acknowledging the anger now. I hope that the despair I have been feeling will go away with acknowledgment. I know I can overcome it, I am facing it and working on controlling it.

"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control" (Proverbs 29:11).