Wednesday, October 2, 2013

A hurting girls words

I know when I was diagnosed I looked everywhere I could to find out how people with RA lived. How they felt about having the disease, how it affects relationships and their old lives. It is hard to come across things. A lot of people have awesome blogs about research, and the disease. There are some about every day lives, how positive people can be, they might be. I try to be positive. It is hard. RA effects  people differently. However, we all live in pain. If you don't want to hear the bad sides, don't read on. I plan on giving some really raw opinions on my life and RA.

Above all, RA sucks. It sucks bad. There is no way anyone could tell me different. Yes, somedays are better but even good days end with pain. 

Second, say goodbye to the old you. No matter how hard I try, I cannot do the things I did before. I cannot be the person I was before. Not physically or mentally. 

Before, I was optimistic, outgoing and a very busy person who did not slow down. Now, I am not optimistic. There were days I would be; only to get slapped down with a flare lasting months. I am an introvert as I don't get out much because of the pain. When I do I am miserable and not myself. Not only did I have to slow down I had to dead stop. The last few months I have been in a horrible flare. Somedays I cannot move my fingers or wrists. Somedays it is my shoulders and knees. Never relief. In the last week I have driven once, been out of the house twice and wanted to stay in bed because of the pain everyday. I get up only for my kids. 

I used to be a super mom. Now, before my three year old jumps on me, climbs in my lap or wants picked up I have to say that I can't. I have to ask him not to touch me. It hurts. Both the touching and the look in his face. I cannot get this time back. I used to look forward to outings, to doing things to make my kids smile, now I Dread them. I do them as much as I can but know I will be paying for it. I have to try though. I cannot bear to hear my kids tell their dad "mommy doesn't like me anymore,she won't hold me or play." 

Lets look back...RA sucks, you will not be you anymore, you will feel guilty, your attitude changes and much more I will get into later as my hand is cramping and I cannot write anymore. Sorry if this is too real but I wanted to get it out there. Yes it could be worse. But it still sucks.