Little Positives

Recently, I have been feeling really down about life. Well not just recently but for the last year. Being in pain 24 hours a day 7 days a week can really put a girl down! I have always been a positive girl and struggle now keeping positive. Recently, another blogger told me she focuses on the positive. Everyone says that. I want my blog to be honest. I want to get out there how I feel and do not feel comfortable talking about it even to loved ones. So I am going to take her advice and mix it with my own. Compromise right?

So...when I write down my feelings, and vent I will include little positives also to make not only me feel better but for you to know that there is still light in me! Happiness comes in small packages throughout the day no matter how I feel.

For my son's 2nd Birthday we went to the zoo. OMG. Not sure it was the smartest idea. However, he had such a great time as did my family and my other son. The looks on their faces, sounds that came out of their mouths when they saw certain animals was adorable. They bring so much happiness into my life and the life of others! I love that I decided no matter how I felt to go and grin and bear it. It was worth it. They are amazing.

Three days later, I am still paying for it. Crap. Monday I was a total pos. Basically my 2 year old climbed all over me all day long as I could not move. The zoo was a ton of walking. I overdid it! Next time I will remember to only see favorites and not the whole dang zoo! It is so frustrating wanting to do so much, wanting to give so much to my boys and family and being unable to do so. I always wondered why people that were depressed struggled with becoming "happy"? Now I know. I have to force myself to use the phone, to go out, to get dressed. I cannot keep a straight head and feel scatter brained! Seems like I am always forgetting to do something. If it were not for my boys I would not get out of bed. Pain makes me sad. It has changed me forever. I am lucky to have such wonderful kids that fill me with love and light. They help me survive this disease. They are my everything.

Guilt

guilt (noun)
1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime,violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law;culpability: He admitted his guilt.

2.

a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense,crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

3. 

Conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.


 Though the definition states for having committed an offense, remorse etc...through no fault of my own, I have RA. This should not be a crime, wrong, or offense. However, it feels this way.  Lately I have noticed I feel guilty all the time – guilty that I’m not able to do all the things I used to, guilty that I can’t work more, guilty that I cannot run, dance, hike, and play with my kids as I used too, guilty that having RAD has made my family sad, stressed and worried.  It makes no sense, because I didn’t decide to get sick, I am doing what I can to feel better, I am trying my hardest but I even feel guilty for having a chronic illness in the first place and causing others more stress. Guilt. I think the definition needs redefined. 

My husband also feels a lot of guilt though he does not show it all the time.  He feels guilty that he can't take better care of me. He feels guilty when I come home from work in pain because he thinks that if he made more money I wouldn’t have to work. He lashes out on me due to the extra pressure and stress my chronic illness puts on the family. End result is I lash out on him, our marriage is strained due to many things but my disease is the major one. 

My parents feel guilty, even though this is not a disease that they did something to give me. They get depressed when they cannot fix it. They struggle to speak to me about what impact it is having on my life. They feel guilty they cannot help. I feel guilty because I am not striving. I am not living up to what they feel I should be. I feel like I have failed my family. It’s a horrible feeling, knowing that MY chronic illness is making so many people feel like crap. Because it is uncomfortable to talk about, they avoid it. So then I feel more guilt taking the blame onto myself and how it is affecting me. The stress just keeps coming.  Guilt. 

The stress makes me feel worse and makes me dwell on things. I feel guilty because I am always so exhausted and cannot get anyone to understand that even if I get 8 hours of sleep, I am still exhausted. I feel guilty that even the smallest household chores leave me feeling so exhausted my symptoms get worse. 

I know the guilt is not healthy, yet I cannot stop it. I have no control over how others are feeling, so I try to make it all seem OK. I have no control over my illness and am doing what I can to feel better. Shoot, I even am eating gluten free. 

 Guilt makes me suffer more,  something that isn’t my fault, and frequently leads to self-hatred and feeling like a failure. I am not sure how to overcome the guilt. I am trying. If you have advice I will take it!  Day by Day I learn more. In learning I hope I can overcome it all.